I am totally lame.  And extremely selfish.

So today I was excited to give something away.  It was day one – This is the easy one.

I had it planned.  A girl we know was short on cash this  week.  So much so that she could not buy groceries – I had a gift card to Kroger in my wallet!  Perfect!  The plan was to head over to her house after hanging out with some friends and bring it to her.  It was extra and I didn’t even need it.  Awesome.

We stopped at the bank on our way to hang out with our friends and I got some cash out.  We don’t have a lot of money this week, so I only got out what I needed for eating at whole foods.  On the way out of the bank I noticed a single mom sitting with her young son waiting for the bus.  As I was putting the cash in my wallet I heard God urge me to walk over and give that mom the $10 bill I was holding.  I stopped in front of the car and watched her for a few seconds.  To be honest, I was looking for a reason why she did not need the money – maybe a nice coat, or a Vanderbilt University Name Tag (telling me she had a job).  Although I saw nothing, I told God that I had already decided who I would give to today.

I ignored the urge, jumped in the car, smiled at my beautiful wife and headed on to Whole Foods.

Later that day, we were told that the girl’s dad had brought groceries to her and she no longer needed anything.  I immediately thought of that young mom waiting for the bus.

Why did I decide to go with what was easier?  Truth time – I wanted the cash.  I wanted to eat at Whole Foods.  I knew that I had two gift cards in my wallet to Kroger.  I could give one, and still be fine if I needed anything from there.  I walked away from what God was calling me to do and justified it by telling myself that it was fine because I would still be giving.

We ended up hanging with those friends all night.  I realized later that I had not given anything all day.  Yes, day one, and I had not even given one thing.  I thought about just “starting tomorrow”, but that would make me feel too guilty.  So instead I told the couple that I wanted to give them a bottle of wine.   We had just purchased 24 bottles of wine from Trader Joe’s.  In order to make myself feel less guilty, I got them all out and lined them up on the counter and told them to choose “any one of their choice”.  And when they couldn’t decide I gave them two. It was only to appease my guilt.

This is my idea of generous?  Am I really this selfish?

God, this is going to be harder than I thought.